How do you manage gaslighting at work? It’s a common form of psychological abuse in romantic relationships, but gaslighting is also a problem in our workplaces.
“Didn’t you get my email? We moved the meeting ahead by an hour.”
“I never said I was going to give you a promotion, where did you get that from?”
“The rest of the team are saying you’re not pulling your weight. I think you’re doing fine though.”
If you’ve encountered someone saying something like this to you, you might have been on the receiving end of a gaslighter and chances are you didn’t notice.
It’s likely you’ve heard of the psychological term ‘gaslighting’ in the context of a romantic relationship. But it also exists within our workplaces and it’s a really complex behaviour to identify and manage.
The ‘Professional’ Gaslighter
“Gaslighters have a very domineering personality,” says Amberley Meredith, consultant at Being Well Process and a registered Australian psychologist. She says this behaviour can occur both vertically – between a manager and their direct report, and horizontally – between co-workers in a workplace.
“If they know what your weak spots are, they will use them against you – usually in subtle and cruel ways. They’re different from the narcissist who just wants everyone to think they’re fabulous, the gaslighter wants to manipulate and control. People can become completely unhinged by this process.” – Amberley Meredith
Gaslighters will utilise very elaborate and subtle forms of manipulation in order to achieve their desired outcome. The difference between someone who gaslights and someone who perpetrates overt forms of bullying is visibility.
Bullies are often reactionary. They’ll openly criticise or make fun of a co-workers’ appearance, work or status, and often they are in a pack. Gaslighters usually act alone – and they’re playing a long game.
Gaslighters take their victim on a rollercoaster of emotions. They might establish trust by initially confiding in them or making promises, only to later deny they ever did such a thing. A gaslighter doesn’t want to make their insidious behaviour obvious, they’re all about sowing the seed of doubt and carefully watering that seed over time.
“They will tell your co-workers and the other managers that you have mental health issues, or that you’re crazy and incapable of doing your job. They will discreetly point out ways in which you can be seen to be lying or are unreliable.
Part of this behaviour includes aligning other people against you. This erosion of your workplace self-identity is done gradually. This means you are unlikely to question what is happening, and you more than likely start to believe what you are being told and accept that you are the problem.” – Amberley Meredith
It’s hard to put a blanket reason across why gaslighters do what they do, all circumstances need to be assessed on a case by case basis. However, Meredith says there are some common themes at play. “Invariably, you can probably expect some kind of trauma in their background where they’ve felt out of control. People don’t just wake up and suddenly think, ‘I’m going to be a gaslighter now’ – it’s gradual.”
What’s the difference between being a gaslighter and a manipulator?
In an article for Psychology Today, Dr Stephanie Sarkis – who wrote a viral blog post and book on gaslighting – says it’s a fine line. We all have the ability to be manipulators, it’s something we learn from childhood, but thankfully most of us aren’t capable of gaslighting.
“[Manipulation is] not always bad. It’s just how we learn to work the system. But when it becomes a series of behaviours where the sole intent is to gain control of someone else, then you’re getting into gaslighting behaviours” – Dr Stephanie Sarkis
“I didn’t say any of those things – I would never say that. You are great at your job. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are clouding your judgement?”
How HR can identify a gaslighter
There are seven traits that gaslighters often exhibit:
- Telling frequent lies and being prone to exaggeration
- Rarely admitting to having flaws
- Diverting or becoming highly aggressive when criticised
- Projecting a false image
- Social rule breaking and boundary violation
- Emotional coercion/guilt tripping
- Manipulation to gain self worth and/or pleasure
If there’s a high turnover rate underneath a particular manager, and the exit interviews aren’t shedding light as to why, this could be another indicator that a manager has been gaslighting their employees.
Another sign can be a high level of absenteeism from the gaslighter themselves. They often want to be the victim.
For example, if you’re having a difficult time in your personal life or you need to attend a medical appointment and you tell a gaslighting manager, they will sometimes fabricate that they’ve got an even worse illness or that they’re struggling personally. They turn it all around onto them. As the employee, you feel sorry for your manager, so you keep coming to work. The manager then starts taking time off to validate that lie.
It’s common for gaslighters to be quite incompetent in their roles; their behaviour is used as a means to distract a co-worker or manager from that incompetence. It’s the Kansas city shuffle. Everyone looks left, so you can do what you want on the right.
What gaslighting at work looks like
Gaslighters are generally dramatic and intense, they can go from zero to a hundred very quickly.
As a manager with a gaslighting direct report, it can be very hard to call them out for poor performance. When confronted with their inadequacies – say, they haven’t finished a project and it’s past the deadline – they’re likely to cloak the mistake in accusations and attacks on the person raising the issue.
“If they’re having a big go at you, and you’re having to defend yourself, you can forget the original reason you approached them,” says Meredith. And that’s their exact intention.
The ripple effect
Like most forms of workplace harassment, the impacts of gaslighting can spread beyond the people involved. Once there’s a crack in a team, everyone feels it.
“Workplace gaslighting creates a tense, toxic, unsafe and unpleasant working atmosphere for almost everybody who is either directly or indirectly involved.” – Amberley Meredith
Gaslighters waste organisations’ time and money.
Their behaviour can lead to an increase in sick/stress leave, noticeable reductions in productivity across a team, disengagement following an erosion of trust and recruitment/onboarding costs due to an increase in employee turnover.
It can also lead to presenteeism, where both the gaslighter and their victims are caught in their own relational drama – which removes them from performing in the roles. Not to mention involving co-workers in the unfolding drama; who may try to step in to resolve the issue. This causes others to be distracted and creates an extensive misuse of time and energy.
Advice for employers
For employees who feel they’re being gaslighted, notifying HR is the first step. To protect themselves, employees should start recording conversations in a journal or send messages to a trusted friend so they can look back later and see if there are any inconsistencies that are arising in someone’s behaviour.
Managers might have an even trickier time managing this behaviour. Because gaslighters are known to engage in the blame game, it can be hard for managers to know if they’re talking to the gaslighter or gaslighted.
Gaslighters will often ensure they have a foot in both camps, says Meredith, gaslighting both up and down the ladder to ensure they can also control those who are managing them.
Managing this behaviour can become quite dangerous because the gaslighter can become very accusatory. They might claim harassment or gender discrimination; they threaten and almost hold companies to ransom. If you haven’t got a skilled and confident HR group, it can easily be thrown into the ‘too hard’ basket.
Gather as much information as possible prior to approaching the gaslighter about their behaviour. While they’re unlikely to agree with you, it’s important to show them the evidence and give them the opportunity to respond before going to a higher up. Most importantly, don’t get sucked into their web.
Addressing professional gaslighting requires a high level of accountability to occur at the senior levels. It necessitates meaningful cultural change and often the removal of incompetent and divisive staff.
Those who have been victims of gaslighting can develop trauma based mental injuries and adjustment disorders from being exposed to this form of psychological manipulation, and may require therapy to help them adjust and adapt to what they have been exposed to.
How to spot a gaslighter in your workplace
The purpose of gaslighting is to “make someone question their reality, their sanity and their mental well-being”, says Dr Stephanie Sarkis, author of Gaslighting: Recognise Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free. “Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse, also known as coercive control.”
Widely recognised in romantic relationships, gaslighting also happens in the workplace. In fact, in a March 2019 poll of 3,033 people aged 18 to 54, conducted by UK-based firm MHR, 58% of workers said they’d experienced it.
If you think you sniff a gaslighter, how can you be sure you’re right? First of all, what’s the difference between gaslighting and other negative behaviours, such as bullying, lying and manipulating?
“Gaslighting is a colloquial term, rather than a clinical condition. It’s an aspect or facet of bullying, which is a more global term. It’s also a technique that a narcissist uses,” says Dr Amanda Ferguson, a Sydney-based registered organisational psychologist.
Gaslighting is not something you should ‘diagnose’. It’s a behaviour, not a condition. But how do you identify someone who is doing it? It’s tricky, because some behaviours are less obvious than others.
A gaslighter may…
- Sabotage an employee or co-worker’s work
- Spread rumours about that person’s stability
- Tell an employee or co-worker that what they saw and heard never happened
- Hide their belongings, then accuse them of being irresponsible
The purpose is to undermine the target’s sense of security and reality.
One of the most tell-tale behaviours is ‘splitting’. This involves idealising and then devaluing the victim. The gaslighter will put an employee or co-worker up on a pedestal – treat them well, and lavish them with praise. Then, the gaslighter will devalue that same person – treating them terribly and as if they can do no right.
Sometimes the trigger is the victim’s attempt to set a healthy boundary. Typically, a gaslighter doesn’t like hearing the word ‘no’. In fact, they often see it as a personal affront.
Identifying a target
In addition to identifying the behaviours of the gaslighter, it’s telling to look at the victim.
They’re frustrated. They’re confused; they’re upset. Eventually they might feel someone’s doing a number on them, but that’s only when they’re becoming conscious of what’s happening.
Take this scenario, based on a real case…
A boss invites a female employee to take part in a big project, heaping on praise such as, “This is a really important job and you’re the best person for it.” The employee feels valued, inspired and determined to do her best. She works hard.
Then, just as she’s about to finish, the boss gives the project’s completion to a junior staff member, who receives all the credit. When the employee complains to her boss, he responds with platitudes such as “Don’t be like that” and “You’re a part of a team.”
It should be noted that gaslighting is never about a particular task. It boils down to power. The bully is trying to assert power over someone and might want this power for all kinds of reasons – to save a job, to appear high-functioning, to deal with high levels of pressure. Even though it might look like role power, it’s always interpersonal power.
How should you respond?
If an employee says someone is gaslighting them, how can you be sure it’s true? And what do you do about it?
Aryanne Oade, a UK-based chartered psychologist, recommends observing the staff member before and after an encounter with the alleged gaslighter, and look for signs and symptoms of bullying. According to the Australian Psychological Society website, these range from “mild annoyance through to severe psychological, social and economic trauma”.
It is recommended that an affected employee follow the organisation’s grievance procedure, consider consulting a legal advisor and keep documentation such as dates, times and direct quotations. It’s a good idea to have a witness present when the gaslighter arranges a meeting alone.
In some cases, gaslighting, like other forms of bullying, can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and self-confidence, panic attacks, fatigue, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder and/or suicide ideation.
In many cases, an employee will find employment elsewhere, It may not seem fair, but the price a person pays emotionally, and even physically, is not worth the stress.
If you need help with implementing a process for gaslighting or dealing with a gaslighter in your business, contact me now.